It's been a year since we lost you and a lot of us still find ourselves going over what could have happened, still just trying to make some kind of sense as to why you are no longer here, why you were taken so tragically and suddenly. We will never have the answers and I know that. But there will always be a part of me that will hurt for you, that you were dealing with so much on your own, without someone to lean on. And I understand why. I do. But it doesn't make me hurt any less. I can't stand the thought of you being scared and not knowing how to get away. When I feel that way though I remind myself that you are at peace now. And I remind myself that I hurt because I'm still alive. You do not hurt. And that brings me some peace.
P.S. When Sterling smiles at something I cannot see....is it you? I like to think it is....
Love ya girl,
Chapin
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Memories....
I am going through some old emails from you....remember when you thought Andy worked in Ionia and not ON Ionia? LOL....Remember when Trevor first started playing baseball and I told you he did some things in baseball that he should only be doing in football and you asked what that meant, like was he tackling first basemen or something? LOL....Remember when I told you that Andy was getting his grandma's car because she couldn't drive anymore and he had the Danger Ranger that he couldn't drive in the winter? You were happy for us but then you said:
I am so not looking forward to the day they tell me, "Kristie, we don't think you should be driving - you're too old." LOL
Funny at the time....now it just makes me so sad, you will never be too old to drive. I also read an email about how excited you were when Andy got his job and you immediately told me to get started wedding planning and having a baby. You were all kinds of excited. :-) I love going through these old messages, it's bittersweet. It reminds me how lucky I was to have you in my life and it makes me miss you that much more....
Love you girl....
I am so not looking forward to the day they tell me, "Kristie, we don't think you should be driving - you're too old." LOL
Funny at the time....now it just makes me so sad, you will never be too old to drive. I also read an email about how excited you were when Andy got his job and you immediately told me to get started wedding planning and having a baby. You were all kinds of excited. :-) I love going through these old messages, it's bittersweet. It reminds me how lucky I was to have you in my life and it makes me miss you that much more....
Love you girl....
The updates....
Remember the last phone conversation you and I had? I was bitching about my soon to be mother in law. I'm sure you remember, Andy was yelling at her on the phone in the background. Yeah well that whole situation has not gotten any better, worse if anything. I wish you were hear to vent to. you would love my rendition of what's been happening. UGH!
In other news....I still hate working and not being at home with my baby. But I get through one day at a time. Sterling is growing so fast and he is just a little charmer to boot :-) Trevor is going into this semester with a new attitude and a new game plan so hopefully he can stay focused!!I don't even have to tell you that he's a hit with the girls *eye roll* he has been since 6th grade. LOL...
We are getting ready for Christmas, love the holiday, hate the weather, you know how that goes!! It will be Sterling's first so of course we are all looking forward to that. Trevor mentioned last night how he knows that when Sterling is old enough he is going to wake up Trevor so early on Christmas morning, but he said it in a way that tells me he is secretly looking forward to that. He loves his baby brother so much.
We miss you...and love you...xoxo
In other news....I still hate working and not being at home with my baby. But I get through one day at a time. Sterling is growing so fast and he is just a little charmer to boot :-) Trevor is going into this semester with a new attitude and a new game plan so hopefully he can stay focused!!I don't even have to tell you that he's a hit with the girls *eye roll* he has been since 6th grade. LOL...
We are getting ready for Christmas, love the holiday, hate the weather, you know how that goes!! It will be Sterling's first so of course we are all looking forward to that. Trevor mentioned last night how he knows that when Sterling is old enough he is going to wake up Trevor so early on Christmas morning, but he said it in a way that tells me he is secretly looking forward to that. He loves his baby brother so much.
We miss you...and love you...xoxo
Monday, November 28, 2011
Missing you....
Today is the Monday after Thanksgiving....last year, the Monday after Thanksgiving is when we laid you to rest. The actual date was November 29, 2010. I miss you.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Never Forget....
Dear Blondie-
Today on my way to work I was once again going through all of the dates leading up to your death. I do this often, I don't know why, but I can't help it. Sept. 19th 2010, was my bridal shower, you spent the night the night before and we watched MSU play Notre Dame, they made an AMAZING play to win and Andy yelled in excitement, it was like 11pm and you jumped, and that was when you realized Andy's dedication to MSU was for real, hahahahahaha. Oct. 16th 2010 was my bachelorette party. You had a horribly sprained ankle and you seemed off, but you said the ankle was from the night before being out with co-workers and I figured you were a little off because of RP. I wish I had paid more attention. Nov. 10th 2010 was the last time I ever saw you alive. You and Kendy came over to drink wine and hang out like always, I hugged you and told you I loved you when you left, we were all looking forward to leaving for Key West on Friday. Nov 11th 2010 was the last time I heard your voice, I called you that night because I was SO upset with my soon to be mother in law inviting some rando to our destination wedding. Remember that? Nov 12th 2010, this was the day we left for Key West, we all had different flights, and I didn't find out until we landed that you had missed your flight, I texted you and it was you who responded that day at 4:38pm "No worries...I will be there in plenty of time. NO STRESSING! Love ya!" Those would be the last words I would ever receive from you. Nov 13th 2010 I texted you that Andy and I were headed to the airport to pick you up, I got a text back that you were still home with a bad flu but trying to reschedule again. I was so upset! It wasn't until everything unfolded that I knew that wasn't you, you were already gone. Nov 22nd 2010 was my first day back at work and I was still reeling from you not being at my wedding, hadn't heard from you, I really thought you just had a really bad time with what was going on with RP and the girls, etc...Even though I was hurt and upset, I knew we would work it out, I knew you felt bad, I didn't know we'd never have the chance. Late that day was when I got the phone call from the police detective and everything spiraled from there. Into the worst nightmare. When they told me you were 'missing' and with a dangerous man and that you hadn't talked to your parents or shown up for work I knew. In my gut I knew something was SO horribly wrong. I still held onto a tiny shred of hope I had to or I would lose my mind. Phone calls flew all night that night. Nov 23rd 2010, 6:00am, News 8 was live at the scene where a body had been found, the body of a 32 yr old woman, and then they towed your car away in the background, and I knew, I knew then you were gone forever and I went to pieces, I couldn't even comprehend what I was seeing, the reality of what had happened. Nov 24th 2010, two Grand Rapids police detectives came to my home to ask me questions about you and about everything....it was like walking through a nightmare. Nov 28th 2010, was your open casket visitation, that's burned forever into my memory. Nov 29th 2010, you were laid to rest, it was a sunny but chilly day. And none of us would ever be the same.
I miss you....
Love Always,
Chapin
Today on my way to work I was once again going through all of the dates leading up to your death. I do this often, I don't know why, but I can't help it. Sept. 19th 2010, was my bridal shower, you spent the night the night before and we watched MSU play Notre Dame, they made an AMAZING play to win and Andy yelled in excitement, it was like 11pm and you jumped, and that was when you realized Andy's dedication to MSU was for real, hahahahahaha. Oct. 16th 2010 was my bachelorette party. You had a horribly sprained ankle and you seemed off, but you said the ankle was from the night before being out with co-workers and I figured you were a little off because of RP. I wish I had paid more attention. Nov. 10th 2010 was the last time I ever saw you alive. You and Kendy came over to drink wine and hang out like always, I hugged you and told you I loved you when you left, we were all looking forward to leaving for Key West on Friday. Nov 11th 2010 was the last time I heard your voice, I called you that night because I was SO upset with my soon to be mother in law inviting some rando to our destination wedding. Remember that? Nov 12th 2010, this was the day we left for Key West, we all had different flights, and I didn't find out until we landed that you had missed your flight, I texted you and it was you who responded that day at 4:38pm "No worries...I will be there in plenty of time. NO STRESSING! Love ya!" Those would be the last words I would ever receive from you. Nov 13th 2010 I texted you that Andy and I were headed to the airport to pick you up, I got a text back that you were still home with a bad flu but trying to reschedule again. I was so upset! It wasn't until everything unfolded that I knew that wasn't you, you were already gone. Nov 22nd 2010 was my first day back at work and I was still reeling from you not being at my wedding, hadn't heard from you, I really thought you just had a really bad time with what was going on with RP and the girls, etc...Even though I was hurt and upset, I knew we would work it out, I knew you felt bad, I didn't know we'd never have the chance. Late that day was when I got the phone call from the police detective and everything spiraled from there. Into the worst nightmare. When they told me you were 'missing' and with a dangerous man and that you hadn't talked to your parents or shown up for work I knew. In my gut I knew something was SO horribly wrong. I still held onto a tiny shred of hope I had to or I would lose my mind. Phone calls flew all night that night. Nov 23rd 2010, 6:00am, News 8 was live at the scene where a body had been found, the body of a 32 yr old woman, and then they towed your car away in the background, and I knew, I knew then you were gone forever and I went to pieces, I couldn't even comprehend what I was seeing, the reality of what had happened. Nov 24th 2010, two Grand Rapids police detectives came to my home to ask me questions about you and about everything....it was like walking through a nightmare. Nov 28th 2010, was your open casket visitation, that's burned forever into my memory. Nov 29th 2010, you were laid to rest, it was a sunny but chilly day. And none of us would ever be the same.
I miss you....
Love Always,
Chapin
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Chapin Angry...
Dear Blondie-
I am so angry and hurt at the fact that you do not yet have a headstone. It infuriates me and you know me and my temper! It's been a year, there is no excuse that there not be one. You deserve better. I am angry at the way RP has treated your family, namely your parents. Way to come off like a disgusting human being. I get it. Everyone grieves differently. I understand, however it does not give you license to be a big fat controlling JERK! We all hurt and we all miss you, but you were your parents DAUGHTER, their child. I'm sorry but that kind of pain and hurt is unimaginable unless god forbid you have to experience it yourself. I just can't even imagine seeing RP or even trying to talk to him. I can't. I'm way to hurt and angry. I hope you understand....
I think you do, you know me better than most....
I am so angry and hurt at the fact that you do not yet have a headstone. It infuriates me and you know me and my temper! It's been a year, there is no excuse that there not be one. You deserve better. I am angry at the way RP has treated your family, namely your parents. Way to come off like a disgusting human being. I get it. Everyone grieves differently. I understand, however it does not give you license to be a big fat controlling JERK! We all hurt and we all miss you, but you were your parents DAUGHTER, their child. I'm sorry but that kind of pain and hurt is unimaginable unless god forbid you have to experience it yourself. I just can't even imagine seeing RP or even trying to talk to him. I can't. I'm way to hurt and angry. I hope you understand....
I think you do, you know me better than most....
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
I should have started this a year ago....
Dear Blondie,
It's been a year since I lost you. I should have started this blog sooner, I talk to you almost everyday but it would have been nice to be able to go back and read my thoughts over this past year, things I've shared with you, etc...So I'm starting now, you know me, I'm sure you're not surprised, I love to procrastinate!
Monday was mine and Andy's one year wedding anniversary. As you know. It was hard to celebrate as you were on both our minds. But we know it will get easier over the years. It's what you would want, I know that in my heart. Saturday was the anniversary of your death. The girls and I had a great time visiting with you at your place of rest. I saw your dad that day as we were leaving, I hugged him, and we cried together for you, and I told him to give my love to your mom and sister and your brothers, and I pray for your family often, I cannot imagine how much they hurt missing you. It was nice to get the picture board out again. We really had some GREAT times over the years.
It's been a roller coaster year, getting married, losing you, getting pregnant and now having our precious baby boy. I wish you could have held him, I know you would love him as much as you love Trevor. Next time I come to visit I'm bringing you a York peppermint patty from Trevor. He loves you and misses you like we all do.
I wish you could have emailed me my first day back after maternity leave, I know what you would have said- "Hey girl- how you doing? Hanging in there?" And I would have cried and you would have sent me hugs and told me it will get easier. And probably cracked a silly joke to make me laugh. I miss laughing with you. Trevor is in 8th grade this year, and he's got braces now, he's being a typical teenager and I am sure you have enjoyed some of the shenanigans this past year he's gotten into. Sterling is 10 weeks and 3 days old today, he smiles and coos and is an amazing baby and has us all wrapped around his tiny finger, even big brother. We are blessed and I thank God every night for Andy and the boys.
I still remember one year later what we talked about the last time I saw you, and I often take comfort in the fact that I hugged you and told you I loved you before you left our house that night. I miss your laugh and I miss your smile and I miss that face you used to make when someone said something you couldn't believe. hahahahahaha...I miss my best friend.
Love,
Chapin
It's been a year since I lost you. I should have started this blog sooner, I talk to you almost everyday but it would have been nice to be able to go back and read my thoughts over this past year, things I've shared with you, etc...So I'm starting now, you know me, I'm sure you're not surprised, I love to procrastinate!
Monday was mine and Andy's one year wedding anniversary. As you know. It was hard to celebrate as you were on both our minds. But we know it will get easier over the years. It's what you would want, I know that in my heart. Saturday was the anniversary of your death. The girls and I had a great time visiting with you at your place of rest. I saw your dad that day as we were leaving, I hugged him, and we cried together for you, and I told him to give my love to your mom and sister and your brothers, and I pray for your family often, I cannot imagine how much they hurt missing you. It was nice to get the picture board out again. We really had some GREAT times over the years.
It's been a roller coaster year, getting married, losing you, getting pregnant and now having our precious baby boy. I wish you could have held him, I know you would love him as much as you love Trevor. Next time I come to visit I'm bringing you a York peppermint patty from Trevor. He loves you and misses you like we all do.
I wish you could have emailed me my first day back after maternity leave, I know what you would have said- "Hey girl- how you doing? Hanging in there?" And I would have cried and you would have sent me hugs and told me it will get easier. And probably cracked a silly joke to make me laugh. I miss laughing with you. Trevor is in 8th grade this year, and he's got braces now, he's being a typical teenager and I am sure you have enjoyed some of the shenanigans this past year he's gotten into. Sterling is 10 weeks and 3 days old today, he smiles and coos and is an amazing baby and has us all wrapped around his tiny finger, even big brother. We are blessed and I thank God every night for Andy and the boys.
I still remember one year later what we talked about the last time I saw you, and I often take comfort in the fact that I hugged you and told you I loved you before you left our house that night. I miss your laugh and I miss your smile and I miss that face you used to make when someone said something you couldn't believe. hahahahahaha...I miss my best friend.
Love,
Chapin
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